How My Illness Changed a Twenty Year Friendship

We were friends for twenty years. It toggled between intimate and platonic over that time, close in different ways at different points. I’ve had a blood disorder since birth. It causes pain that can affect how I move, plus everything that comes with being in pain or on medication for it, including mood swings. I was upfront about all of it early on, and they seemed fine with it.

There’s a difference between hearing about a health issue and watching it happen in front of you. A major health scare, one that landed me in the hospital, seemed to be what really changed things. Plans got harder to make because they depended entirely on how I felt that day. I also got quieter, because talking took energy I didn’t always have when I was in pain.

The moment I knew things were different was when they broke up with me while I was in the hospital. They said they couldn’t do it anymore. We talked about it years later, and I was honestly hurt by the decision at the time, even though I understood it. It was the right move for them. Still, it was a cold reminder that trying to be the best friend you can doesn’t mean someone will want everything you’re offering.

The hardest part was having no control over my own health, which meant I had no control over how someone would react the next time I got sick. I held onto resentment for a long time, longer than I’d like to admit. It felt good to have the moral high ground. It never actually felt good enough. Looking back, it was a little childish. Everyone knows life isn’t fair. It just didn’t feel fair to have sacrificed so much in that friendship and end up feeling stranded whenever things got hard.

We talked about it years later. They apologized, said they regretted how they handled it, and pointed out they were young at the time. I chose to give them grace. I might have done the same thing in their position. The friendship didn’t end after that, but it changed for good. When it comes down to it, people tend to look out for themselves first. I used to want to believe nobody would sacrifice someone else just to come out ahead. Growing up meant accepting that life doesn’t work out that clean.

Here’s why I don’t think illness related friendship loss gets talked about. Avoiding what we can’t control is part of being human. Most people are chasing love, peace, and some version of happiness, and a sick friend threatens all of that. It’s a hard truth that loving someone who’s sick, or being sick yourself, can bring more pain than joy some days. On top of that, nobody wants to sit with their own mortality. People say in sickness and in health, but almost nobody actually talks about the sickness part, because it’s ugly, it’s hard, and it’s just plain not fun. It’s easier to walk toward whatever brings you happiness instead. We like the idea of community, but when it really counts, most people end up looking out for themselves a little more than they’d admit.

The upside is that the people who do stick around when things get hard tell you a lot about the friendship you actually have.

Time and a little wisdom is what actually got me through it. It took a long while to stop taking it so personally, which is hard to do when it’s happening directly to you. Trying to see it from their side helped though. Most of the time it was less about me and more about them and the situation they were in. Staying in the friendship while I was still hurt and resentful on the inside didn’t help anyone. Taking a break from it gave me enough distance to see the forest instead of just the trees.

I’m in a better place now. Getting hurt like that also gave me the freedom to be more deliberate about who I let close, and to hold onto my own values, because taking care of myself has to come first.